I woke up with an acute realization that I had some awful dreams last night centered around the idea of disappointment, and more specifically, disappointing my children.
In addition, their lives were in danger, so I quickly reassured myself that the dreams were fiction and that my children were safe. What an awful feeling.
Since these dreams come after the fact that I had my son get a ride to and from baseball practice from another mom, even though her son was not attending practice, I knew that my guilt was being manifested in my dreams. I had date night with my husband and needed some pick up and delivery help from a friend. Is that bad?
Also, since I have had my fair share of missing baseball games, showing up late to pick up my children from practice, and missing out on watching my daughter sing at church, it is no wonder, that "Disappointing Others" was the title of my dream series.
I'm not the mom who drops everything to attend every child event, nor am I the mom who shows up on time to baseball games in order to absorb in detail, every boy at bat, and play on defense. Life happens, I have other things going on.
I'm not the mom who drops everything to attend the awards banquet after my child says, "You don't need to be there, really."
I did need to be there, really.
I'm not the mom who holds a bouquet of balloons announcing, "Welcome Home!" when my daughter flies in from Africa, but I do greet her with hugs and tears of joy. Doesn't that count?
I miss things. I mess up. I should make a better effort, and try harder to not disappoint, or wake up each morning feeling guilty.