Sunday, December 30, 2007

Ailing with Age

Recently, I went for my well woman appointment. I decided to make the appointment with my regular physician this time instead of my OBGYN since I had a list of aliments that needed addressing.

After reading through the most recent People Magazine and getting disgusted with all of the celebrity nonsense, I was called back. Hopping on the scale was my first disappointment. I chalked up the extra 5 pounds to shoes (the nurse wouldn't let me remove my shoes), jeans, and mid-afternoon bulge.

When the doctor arrived I told her to get her pen ready because I was starting at my head and working my way down. Thankfully, she laughed. After telling her about my equilibrium failure from Disneyland, my excessive fatigue, my edginess, achy hand joints, abdominal pain, stomach muscle fade and the gap resting between my abdominal muscles, varicose vein that sometimes hurts, and lower back pain, she proceeded to administer a list of prescriptions and otherwise.

After each diagnosis, she gave me the cure, and I chose to either accept or decline.

Ear check: Good. There was no liquid findings to account for the slight equilibrium failure.

Edginess: Happy pills. Declined. They have side affects which decrease your libido. Not good. Tranquilizers. Declined. I didn't want my children to find my on the couch comotose, in unmovable, tranquility. I told her I would just pray more often.

Back pain and abdominal muscle gap: Pilates. Accept. With a personal trainer. Decline. Too much money.

Joint pain: Splint. Decline. Advil. Accept. It turns out that the pain is from using the mouse.

Abdominal pain: Possible fibroid. Pelvic Ultrasound. Accept. I just need to schedule an appointment.

Fatigue and everything else: Blood work. Accept. I have to fast for 10-12 hours. I cannot even drink coffee. I'm sure that the technicians have seen their share of starving, caffeine deprived, moms.

Varicose vein: Laser surgery. A financial issue. Accept for a later date when I have a lot of extra money sitting around my house.

Eating practically nothing for breakfast and lunch, excercising five days a week, and still feeling like my jeans are too tight: Part of getting older. Decline. My lovely doctor went on to tell me, "Just wait. When you go through menopause your metabolism will come to a screeching halt." Great news. Eating practicaly nothing was perfectly acceptable.

The next time I need to make a well woman appointment I am going to visit my OBGYN, and keep all the other aliments to myself. I don't need the disappointments.

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